1. Let my toddler watch CBeebies - Let's be honest if it gives me an extra 10 minutes (ok ok, an hour) in bed at 5.30am then I'm all for it.
2. Continuing on from No.1 having a conversation about CBeebies - You absolutely will end up having a full blown conversation about the said TV shows and moaning about how many innuendos there are......and don't even get me started on "Bing" the whiniest character ever or the crazy looking Mr Tumble family.
3. Moaning at my partner via singing / talking to my kids - You will at some point end up having a dig at your other half via your child. I usually end up singing "daddy's a dick" to twinkle twinkle little star or saying things like "mummy can't play right now sweetie, because apparently mummy is the only one who can tidy up the house".
4. Again, following on from number 3....making up your own verses to popular nursery rhymes - My partners version of row row row your boat is not one that needs repeating, but you'd be surprised how creative they can be and how many words do actually rhyme with dick and fuck and "please just go to sleep".
5. Have mum friends - Before I had a baby I was convinced I didn't want "mum friends", was convinced my friends who I had before the babies would be fine with the huge change in my life.....and then I tried talking to my bestie (who doesn't have kids) about baby poo and breast milk and all things baby related, only to be met with a face that was pretty much telling me to stop talking. She tried her best bless her but she just didn't get it. It was then that I realised I needed someone who understood my plight of yellow baby poo and breast milk, and who would nod in agreement when I moaned about tutting Tina and disapproving Deidre and who would pat my arm in sympathy when I said I hadn't managed to shower in 3 days! Yes. I needed my mum friends more than I cared to admit. I don't know where I'd be without them if I'm honest.
6. Go to a baby class - Again, this was my worst nightmare! Having to have small talk with other people I didn't give a shit about whilst being surrounded by babies? Hell to the frigging no! But......I went and came out with the best friends a girl could ask for. Trust me, you need these baby classes. A mum needs to be surrounded by baby related sanity, whilst snidely comparing your sick stained clothes to someone else's and thinking, yeh I'm good. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like an absolute prat when doing the hokey cokey with a baby who really couldn't give a shit if I put my left leg in or out, but it's nice to know "I'm not the only one" feeling like you do when you're a mum. I got the reassurance I needed from people who knew and understood.
7. Leave the house in stained clothes - Standard mum uniform......give it the sniff test to make sure it's not super rank (don't bother trying to decide if it's food or bodily fluids.......it's probably both) and look in the mirror to make sure it's not that noticeable and then shrug your shoulders and leave the house. Your standards slipped the day you were butt naked, legs akimbo after just giving birth, talking to the midwife about tea and toast.......trust me, a bit of staining on your clothes is a step up that mummy ladder.
8. Shout at my kids - Ahh........when I didn't have kids I was the perfect parent. I'm sorry to say it disapproving Deirdre, but I'm human and lose my shit. Shouting will occur at one point or another because, quite frankly, toddlers can be dicks. Of course they can, we stupidly decided to make a miniature version of ourselves and I for one know I can be a dick, so why would this tiny little human not be one? Don't get me wrong, I love my toddler with every part of me, but he can still be a dick. Fact.
9. Bribe my children - Kids can be dicks. Bribery makes these little dicks a tad more manageable on the days when you're considering selling them, but then realise that is illegal. Plus, bribery works every single time.
10. Be an amazing mum - I'm not modest in the slightest, but I do recognise when I do something well, and being a mum is top of that list. I am an amazing mum to my two children and I swore I'd never be a mum and yet here I am. Living my best life.Even when it's utter crap, I know I am doing a good job. Some days I question everything and others I'm drowning and feel lost, but deep down I know I'm good at being a mum, and my two little ones are my finest masterpiece.
Just remember, there are always things you swore you'd never do but end up doing, but it's all irrelevant because in my opinion, loving your child with everything you have is all you need to do. You've got this mumma. You're doing great!